Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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