I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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