Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
