My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
