clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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