it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
