i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
