He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
