I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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