Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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