That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Floor bacon is actually really good
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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