Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
