There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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