You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
