dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
