I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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