Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize