I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
