I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize