I bet he comes in French.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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