Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize