I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I died a long time ago.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
