Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
