The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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