i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I touched a dick in church today
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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