I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
