the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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