This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
