I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize