what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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