He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize