I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
