my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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