My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
