OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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