you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
True college students do jello shots in the library
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
