you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize