i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
