She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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