Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
