Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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