There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
