why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
