My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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