The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
