On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
