my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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