i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i out mim tonsoeep
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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