I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
