Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
