Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
