I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
