If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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