If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
