I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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