Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
