Fine. I'll sleep in my office
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize