we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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