so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
