how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
