Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
