Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
